Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Finding Myself

Am I lost? I can see myself in the mirror, I hear myself thinking as I type this BLOG, but who am I really?

I am doing exactly what I always wanted to do, married to a man I'm completly in love with and raising 4 children who I am very proud of. I always knew I wanted 4 kids, 2 wouldn't be enough (I found 2 to be the most challenging for me) and 3 would require there being a middle child. My husband and I were both middle children and I swore I would not do that to a child. Nothing horrible happened, just your typical middle children issues. Too old for this and too young for that!!

I took cosmetology in high school so when I graduated I was able to start working right away. I did hair in a few different salons until the birth of my first son. I took on some good clients at home until 14 months later son #2 arrived. I was done! This is what I wanted to do. Devote myself to raising these children to be happy, smart, independant children of God. Along with this career change, it took a lot of adjusting to a new life, I no longer had my own independent money nor did I have the carefree social life of a hairdresser. Meeting new people, always having my hair & nails done, it was quite the culture shock!
Needless to say, I wouldn't change a thing, I love being a mom,sweat pants, ponytails & all. I take great pride in my job as a parent. As a house keeper of my own home I lacked the talent, my time was for the kids not the dishes. Another move another baby, another move another baby and now we have 4. I still love what I am doing and have reaped the rewards with every smile on my childrens faces.
While a hairdresser in Texas, I had some amazing friends. One of them named Shawn. Shawn and I lost touch over the years because of my many moves and priorities in each of our lives. We both missed out on so many of the important parts of each others lives. Well one day I decided to look him up. I had attempeted this many time but had failed. This time I took a chance and left a message on a machine with a computer voice. I didn't hear anything for a few days and pretty much forgot about it. Then I got a message from him.It warmed my heart so much to hear his voice, and I could not wait to catch up with him. Once he was done telling me about his life and everything he had done over the past few years the conversation turned to me. "What have you been up to," he asked. "I feel like the conversation has been all about me, let me know what you have been up to?" Twenty minutes later, I realized as I was still going on and on that I had told him everything there was to know about my kids. All four of them!! It was as if a huge hammer had just hit me in the head. Who am I ? I had nothing to say - not really anyway- I thought to myself how I was no longer the person he knew way back then- But feeling so strong about the fact that when he knew me- Isn't that who I was? Before I was someone's wife or someone's mommy. I think before I met Shawn , I always felt that I was someone's daughter and someone's sister. That small window of time in my life- I was ME!!! Carefree me!!!
It was a wake up call, especially now that the kids are getting older. I wondered am I setting a good example for them? It was a soul searching kind of week for me. My older boys always say, Why don't you go to college? I wasn't good in school. They tell me that I would be now. Who knows?I always jokingly say to them that I will just wait until they go and then we can go together- hee hee hee! I am not complaining- Believe me , I know there are plenty of mom's out there that have to work-women who don't get the choice to stay home-I was fortunate that my husband made it a possiblity for me and again I would not change anything other than trying to keep a hold of a little piece of me- I gotta be in there somewhere!


Mega Mom said...

Don't you feel that as they grow you find yourself a little more every day? Now the world is your oyster again. You can do anything that interests you. I enjoy scrapbooking and going to the gym and volunteering in my neighborhood (hint, hint). Now I'm enjoying the best of both worlds: Enjoying being me and raising good boys.

You are more YOU than you realize. You are fun, witty AND a good Mom. You've got it all!

movin'mom said...

Well Thank You Mega Mom- I do all of those things I volunteer neighborhood & school -all 3 schools.
For me it's not about that- it's finding that girl that I was- I do like myself now and you could NOT pay me to go back to that age. I have loved the journey I have traveled to become who I am, I have great friends but my point was more of the things I do now and am involved in are all branches from who I am now wife/mom. I do love my life, but I just would like to welcome back into my life the branch I sat on before. My kids do get to see a bit of that when I have the XM 80's music on because I of course become the "dance like no ones watching girl" But thank you for your compliments! There was actually a time when I had difficulty accepting those.

Mom101 said...

You're right: nice post, glad you pointed me to it. Nate didn't go to college either. Maybe you and he and all our kids will go at the same time and cheat off each other's homework. I agree with your boys--not every 18 year old is ready for college but there's something to say for a little life experience. Never say never...

On top of my game said...

O, can I relate. I'm struggling to find myself as well. I want my kids to see that strong, driven career minded person I once was. But, I'm learning that they do see that in me (less the career.) But, I do yearn to find a passion other than family that lights me up as much as they do. I think you know what I mean??? Its also very hard to find while your spinning plates, and picking up the pieces.


movin'mom said...

So very true mom-101- at 18 college was not even a consideration for me. Cheating off the kids :) :) :) CLASSIC- and not too far off from reality! maybe we can carpool too!

OTOMG- spinning plates is what I am getting really good at- maybe we can call the circus- and who am I really if I'm not picking up the pieces, parenting is the absolute hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever signed on for (give or take an aerobics class or two)

WriterWriter said...

College is a great idea. School and college are essentially different. You MUST go to school, but you choose to go to college and you also choose what you'll pursue there.

I went back to school part- and full-time when my kids were young (I have three daughters and I was a single mom) and it was the best thing for all of us: I got an education and a social life and they saw their mom staying connected, being interested and being interesting.

The net result is that I have a great jo and my girls take highter education as an enjoyable pursuit not a necessary evil.

Do it. You'll be glad you did.

movin'mom said...

I know that I would love it, you make it sound very appealing. I think the beginning of the journey will be determining what it is I want to do in life.

Bravo to you for knowing what you want and seeking out your education. The challenge it must have been as a single mom of 3. What an inspiration !!
Thank you.