Becoming a mom I have realized that my purpose in life always seems to present itself in a wrapped gift.
I have amazing children, all four are such loving, unique, caring, giving and humorous young people.
I knew early on that I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted to be a good mom.I always wanted to be a great mom. But great to whom? My children? God? Myself, husband or to everyone who looks in from the outside? I am normally very confidant in the mothering role but sometimes I think my kids would label it more of a Smothering role. It is such a trial to always make the right decision. To be "HANDS ON" while still stepping back and allowing your children to be who they were meant to be. Especially now that we see such personality changes in them as they grow older.
This is quite humorous to me because I remember how much of my brain time I wasted imagining back then how they would be as teens based on their personality's as young children. Even maybe what they would do when they grew up. I guess then I did not realize how it only takes one friend, one teacher, one experience to change their path in life. Maybe all along this was their path.
As parents we are conditioned to be in control to keep them safe We make sure that the outlets are covered, that small items do not go into their mouths, that grapes are peeled and cut in quarters before entering their mouth. That they understand why the have to sit in their car seats, wear seat-belts, not talk to strangers, eat their veggies, pee BEFORE bed. Then little by little we are suppose to know when to start allowing independence, in baby steps. So that when they grow they become fine upstanding, responsible, citizens of this world.
The funny thing is that I see with my own eyes how I have allowed less padded walls for the younger two, more independence for the younger two, the ability to look away when they sneak into the cookies, and more tolerance for movies, music & friends. These are things I would have never guessed I COULD allow much less WOULD allow.
The gifts come to me when I least expect it. One day when the older two were young, we were in a car for a long time, they were bickering. When we got out and went into a business my boys spotted a water fountain. The older one got his fair share just to rub it in that he got there first. Then the second one tried as he could was not able to reach the water with is mouth. From across the room I saw my first born get down on his hands and knees so that he could become a stool for his brother. It was the most beautiful gift to see my two boys working together in such a way. Especially after the day of competitive brotherhood that they had shared. So many moments like this that hit me at the most peculiar time.This is why I'm a mom...for a moment like this.
But I try, everyday. To be the best mom I can be to ALL 4 of my children. There will be days that they roll their eyes at me, curse me under their breath, maybe even flip me off behind a closed door. They can even be mad at me, but the one joy, the treasure I cherish most is their laughter. It is my heartbeat. My breathing machine. My Gift!
Being able to trim away at the apron strings is going to be tough. But my gift to my children is trust. and when all 4 are ready to exert their independence from our family unit then I want to be able to stand proud, to breath, to sleep at night.
Then to realize that the cycle of parenting will soon be on their heart and I will sit back and watch myself unfold in them.